tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32843712416453647302024-02-02T14:13:57.946-08:00The Fickle Muse...prone to sudden flights of fancy in response to the creative voice.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-13174137424548809462015-09-21T11:20:00.001-07:002024-01-07T18:35:26.134-08:00Musical Series: Intro and Pearl Jam is King<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">MUSIC has been a life saver for me. It is like a basic need. Food. Water. Shelter. Music. I have loved music my whole life. I was born into a pretty musical family and it seemed that there was always some form of music going on somewhere at any given time. I remember listening to Kenny Loggins in the car with my mother while running errands. I remember the Doobies blaring on Saturday mornings when she was cleaning. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">I remember very keenly my discovery of music videos on the old Night Tracks television program from artists like Duran Duran, Men at Work, The Police. With the magical combination of Muppets and music, I was aware of and familiar with most of the artists that appeared on Sesame Street, artists my mom exposed me to, like James Taylor, Carly </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">Simon, Paul Simon and the like. Like most kids in the 80's I was also fascinated with Michael Jackson, especially his music videos. He really mastered that media at the time.</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I soaked up as much music as I could through all of these channels, and basically any other channels I could access. My mom's record collection. Whatever tapes I got my hands on. I remember snagging my father's copy of Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' and playing it over and over again when I was probably eight years old. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The first album I ever bought with my own allowance money was purchased at the Aafes in Schweinfurt, Germany. It was Richard Marx’ Repeat Offender album. I sharply remember hearing Richard Marx once in a store in Germany and in my mind is a mental snapshot of that moment. I also remember standing in line for pizza at age eleven and seeing the video for 'U Can't Touch This'. F</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">or me, music strongly ties to memories. From age 10 through the teen years I saved up all of my money for tapes and eventually CDs. Others I remember saving for - PM Dawn’s ‘Bliss Album’, U2’s ‘Joshua Tree’, Smashing Pumpkins’ ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’ and ‘Siamese Dream’ The Fugees ‘The Score’, Radiohead’s ‘Pablo Honey’ and ‘The Bends’. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">I even bought a Randy Travis album, probably the only country music album I ever owned. Music is what brought about friendships and boyfriends. The first gift I got from a guy in high school was the Stone Temple Pilots first album. </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir85bgquleUIqmu3g5wnvncvC1Yul3Cm2AKRUEXgyuQMhqR8NeNLw4JxsHd_8spB5H53tQASh9yP0Bl10ES5t_1Xw3pD0kD2PD2NLaZY5eIyKh8u9RezBv3WqMXwgTgV3Bj517eGRglTO2Vn1kkpVzt9rh6ea2ZCV5Q_tEBxg_Sz3-vQFIq2AxEA-d6k0/s564/mtv_indiegroundblog_23.webp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="461" data-original-width="564" height="262" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir85bgquleUIqmu3g5wnvncvC1Yul3Cm2AKRUEXgyuQMhqR8NeNLw4JxsHd_8spB5H53tQASh9yP0Bl10ES5t_1Xw3pD0kD2PD2NLaZY5eIyKh8u9RezBv3WqMXwgTgV3Bj517eGRglTO2Vn1kkpVzt9rh6ea2ZCV5Q_tEBxg_Sz3-vQFIq2AxEA-d6k0/s320/mtv_indiegroundblog_23.webp" width="320" /></a></div>I was born as part of what I call the ‘MTV generation’. Those who were young when MTV was full of music, and was spearheading music movements, like Grunge, by bringing music, artists and music videos into the livingrooms of American youth. A time when music was becoming global. Ultimately, it was only a glimpse of what was to come with the oncoming arrival of household internet, making artists and their music accessible to the whole world instantaneously. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm actually very grateful to have had access to MTV. Without a doubt, it made a positive impact on my life. </span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Some music is fondly remembered and brings us joy to hear, while other music changes our lives and we are never the same. That’s what I’m here to talk about. I am trying to narrow it down to just the absolute life changing music. Music that saves. That heals. That brings us to life and becomes part of our soul.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I'm going to do a little series on the music that is most special to me, the top 5 artists/bands that have made the strongest impact on my life. I hope others post theirs, too. I love hearing about other people's relationship with music. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have decided that the best way to do this is chronologically, so here goes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Without a doubt in my mind the first musicians that came along and changed my life and wrapped around my soul like mother’s wings were Mike McCready, Jeff Ament, Stone Gossard, Dave Abbruzzese and Eddie Vedder. Names I’ll never forget. The boys of Pearl Jam. (Though there have been a variety of drummers…)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><img alt="pearl_jam_1991.jpg" height="368px;" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/pMviVb2NN0KE6cv4Nnjkrq2q_rcJEpBEODkQet2EAwPSZFLqgE1IFuDQz5nH6lUMyjQJ-hDnfvB5e2YiROtvR_b6M73DJEylZmP07Pq1Kp_q3coekxEIvNx1uJKYKxBBHBRTLQc" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0rad);" width="624px;" /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It hit me like a wave. The first time I heard their sound was on MTV, as Temple of the Dog, with the video to the song ‘Hunger Strike’, in what was likely the fall or winter of 1992. Soon after, I discovered who Temple of the Dog was, likely through an MTV promo as I could not just Google them. Once I discovered that they were a combination of the bands Soundgarden and Pearl Jam, I kept my eyes and ears out for them. I think Soundgarden’s ‘Rusty Cage’ was out at the time in video, and I caught them once in interview form on Headbanger’s Ball. Pearl Jam was soon to follow, as there was, at the time, Evenflow and Alive, both concert videos, as that was what they were up to at the time and how they catapulted themselves into one of the legs of the so-called Grunge music movement. Very quickly their music began to pop up more frequently in video form and soon, like dominoes, came appearances on SNL, Unplugged and at Lollapalooza. Living in the town I was in, with basically just a classic rock station, it wasn’t likely at all that I would ever have caught them on the radio. The only way I was going to get them into my stereo was by tape or CD. Thus, a clear memory of a trip to Musicland to buy the Ten album, and a lifelong fan was born. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 20.24px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most people have some idea who Pearl Jam is. This is who they are to me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most teenagers have angst. Its pretty much a given. I was no exception. What I also had, like too many other kids, was a lot of darkness and a lot of frustration over events in my life. I felt increasingly like an outcast. I felt like I was walking around like a zombie, carrying a secret burden, as I was. It was relevant that I first heard their sound in the fall of 1992, it was during a time when I was suffering sexual abuse from my father. Life had become too real for me. All of the music I loved before had lost its luster, it all seemed a lie.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Pearl Jam came along and gave me truth, allowed me to accept emotions I had been trying to suppress, to deny. Life had kicked me in the teeth. Pearl Jam gave me both permission and inspiration to kick back. It was okay to be mad at the world. The world could deal some pretty bad shit. It is okay to disagree. It is okay to not accept the crap dish you’ve been handed. Pearl Jam unapologetic-ally voiced their disagreement with the world, with the media, with politicians; became a voice for Gen X and through their music created masses of devoted followers and hype far faster than they were comfortable with. </span><br />
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<a href="https://morningaftershow.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/rolling-stone-1993.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://morningaftershow.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/rolling-stone-1993.jpg" style="line-height: 1.38;" width="266" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I little cared about that at the time, though ultimately I credit them for planting the seeds that would grow my own political opinions, like</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://pearljam.com/news/0/1/22387/imagine_that_--_i%E2%80%99m_still_anti-war" style="text-decoration: none;"> Eddie’s persistent aversion to w</a>ar</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I just kept wearing out my Ten tape until I eventually had to buy a second one. To my delight, Ten was followed by Vs., Vitalogy, No Code, Yield. All of which I purchased on the day of their release, or as soon as I could.. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I ignored friends that criticized the band, people that mocked them. They didn’t know as much as I did about them, and I really didn’t care. They would never understand just what an impact their music had on me, and they never had to. It was just for me to know. </span><br />
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<a href="https://loonyradio.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/mi0001412475-1024x804.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="313" src="https://loonyradio.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/mi0001412475-1024x804.jpg" width="400" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Picking my top three favorite PJ songs is nearly impossible. I tried to just pick one from each of my favorite albums, but I have too many favorites there too. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are a few, though, that have represented pivotal moments in my life</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">First, I love every song from Ten. When I am asked to shortlist my favorite songs, I usually just have to say the Ten album and exclude the entire album from my list. To narrow it down to one, I have to say while I do love Release, it means so much to me, but at that time in my life I was full of a lot of anger and no sense of any control of what was going on in my life. Porch complemented those feelings precisely. This particular version is from their appearance on MTV Unplugged. An event that I would definitely not miss if I could rent a time machine.</span></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js2wgSCywXs" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Second, I also love every song from Vs. The staunch statements made by W.M.A. and Glorified G I still agree with and are still very relevant to what’s going on in the United States, and I love those songs! This is about me, though, and I was trying so hard to put all the pain behind me, thus - Rearview Mirror.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">Last but by no means least, Given to Fly just might be my most favorite Pearl Jam song, and were I to build a soundtrack for my life, it would not be complete without it. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By the time the Yield album came out, I had begun to think about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I was living apart from my mother, testing out my independent legs. Given to Fly was an anthem for me. I had come out of so much, and yet had remained bright and positive about where I was going in the world, at least on most days. I have so much love for this song, it means so much to me. It is a victory song, and it says all the things that I can’t say about what this band has meant to me. They were the wave that delivered me wings. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am forever grateful for these guys.</span><span style="line-height: 22.08px;"><br /></span></div>
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Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-89371594293483055772015-01-12T20:16:00.002-08:002015-01-12T20:16:30.407-08:00Within Each of Us<br />
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<br />Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-35536403549785225172014-10-29T19:58:00.000-07:002014-10-29T20:07:47.538-07:00Happy HalloweenTwice in a month. That's better..? Right?<br />
I feel like I am ten times busier than I was last year. That's just about it. Then sometimes I'm not at all. But I am recovering from busy in those times. So they are fruitless. Well, besides rest.<br />
Halloween is coming up in a couple of days. We've got a pumpkin. I'm making Tres Leches Cake. Hmm. <br />
I bought candy. Its so expensive. We're gonna have to make up for it with tricks. Sorry kids.<br />
Xana will be Wednesday Addams. Alecia wanted to be a pirate but all the affordable pirate costumes are super cheesy and she wants authentic. So she's going to go zombie.<br />
We aren't all-out Halloweeners. Though I really do embrace the idea of celebrations like Dia De Los Muertos or Samhain. I like the belief that many cultures have that the veil is thin between the living and dead at this time. I can see how humanity drew that conclusion. Cool weather sets in. Leaves die off and fall to the ground. Predators begin to stalk prey more fervently. Evidence of our impermanence is certainly more visible. This time of year I always think of those who have gone on before us. I take time to think on them and dust the cobwebs from my memories. Making a place for the souls of the dead at our table, as in the Gaelic Samhain celebration, is a way to describe what happens in my mind. I am not making a physical place for them at our table, but I am clearing them a place in my mind to think on them and remember them. We light candles in the night and in our jack-o-lantern and tell the girls stories of those who have gone ahead. That is how we celebrate.<br />
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Anywho, as a note to what is going on with us this week. I am down a weekly client, after a series of clients that were temporary, so I am down to three days working until I track down more work. In the meantime, I spent that extra day building a menu for the week and a detailed grocery list. I often wonder if other people spend the sort of time that I do on a grocery list. Its a labor of love. And of budgeting. Leaves my head spinning. Currently I am checking out <a href="http://www.plantoeat.com/welcome" target="_blank">Plan to Eat</a> in an effort to streamline the process. I will let you know how that goes. Fortunately we do have online ordering and delivery for local grocery stores. Sometimes I remember to plan ahead for that even.<br />
Alecia is heavy on the books, though she has been a bit sick this week. She is really loving her Two Roads Charter experience and it is awesome to see her eagerly take on the challenge.<br />
Xana is switching gears and putting off Two Roads for a time. This year has been a lot of change for her and it has not been easy. So we are easing into feeling our way through homeschooling while I am working part time. We're carving our way through. As I have said a million times in our homeschooling experience, I am SO thankful for the internet. Education NOW, anything you wanna learn, anywhere, any time. A feast for the curious mind, and THAT is how we have managed to grow such smart kids. Hungry brains and an all you can eat education buffet via internet.<br />
David is loving his new schedule and has gotten back into biking, as well as made time for new hobbies, so that is great news indeed. He's a man who needs hobbies. A revolving door full of them.<br />
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The girls and I are so excited about the next month we almost can't stand it. We are going to see Bastille in a little over a week AND the Bryant fam is coming to see us for Thanksgiving. We don't really know how to contain ourselves.<br />
On that note, I leave you with a Halloween Bastille song. This is one of my favorites. Embracing skeleton lovers, what a great image for Dia de Los Muertos.<br />
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<br />Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-15103381253118728482014-10-07T06:49:00.001-07:002014-10-07T06:49:10.940-07:00The Fickle FailSo far I have failed to keep up with my blog since moving, or since - well since a while. I am going to once again attempt to remedy that. I am constantly wanting to jot thoughts down and never take the time to do it. Instead I suck up spare time with Netflix, Facebook and Farm Heroes. I am going to try to exchange some of that time. Life is short. There are so many people I would like to keep up with and I am terrible at touching base with those people. So this is a way I can at least share my life with those I love.<br />
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Having recently begun my own business in household assistance, I have been getting to know new clients. My Mondays are spent with Sarah, who is a young 20 something with three little ones, one of which is only a handful of months old. She is very sweet and just one of those people who exudes calm, positive energy. I enjoy being in her house. Its very warm, sunny, fragrant and quiet. Like most moms of multiple little ones, she is behind on lots of things at home. Laundry, dishes, regular cleaning, so its good that I can help her and she is very grateful, an added perk of the job. Its nice to swoop in and save someone from the encroaching disaster. It fulfills my own chivalrous senses; plus, what I would have given to have someone swoop in and save from the avalanche that my household has been at times! I know what a blessing it is. Sometimes I get to amuse her little infant daughter, who is just the cutest little patoot.<br />
Today Xana went with me because school has been really causing her a lot of anxiety, which I do not know what to do about currently. It really just wrecks my day when she has a panic attack in the morning over attending the homeschool enrichment course. Lately it has been almost every time and I am now considering removing her, which kind of throws a wrench in my plans for this year and next, when I had planned to retire from homeschooling. Forunately, I am flexible. I haven't committed myself to too many things and have had success at creating my own flexible work schedule that is subject to my own terms.<br />
I have determined that this has just been too many changes for her in a short amount of time. Moving. An entire new atmosphere at home. A new schedule. The loss of her friend network and the loss of the little 'village' we had going. Then there is puberty, which is coming at her like Miley Cyrus' wrecking ball. Periods. Shaving. Boys. To add to all that a new, more rigorous school experience which has turned out to be nothing like what she imagined. I had thought she would thrive amidst a school environment and as all parents are at times, I was totally off on that. While she adored the idea of lockers and class presidential elections and sports, she has been crushed by the reality of hard teachers and being half a foot shorter than her peers who treat her like a little kid, having come from a homeschool group where she was like the mother hen to a host of girls younger than her. Its all been so hard, I totally get it. I clearly remember the strains of school, though I had no choice or flexibility. I simply had to go. She has not grown up with that idea. And so quick she is to say "I don't have to do this" that it has caused a conflict within me to push her to muscle through. And of course, the more I push, the more the panic rises. *sigh*<br />
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On that note...<br />
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To sum up my world for the day, I hit home and made my weekly appointed phone call with one of my besties then proceeded to fall into a short binge of Walking Dead. I am not generally a fan of zombies or or dystopian tales, but I am so invested with these characters I simply have to keep watching to find out what happens. Also, the show just has this sort of haunted lens into this whole zombie apocalypse. The characters themselves seem haunted and are so broken that they change from one scene to the next. Will they be tough or will they show mercy. What is it that they have in them this day? We think we know what we would do in that situation, we think we know ourselves, but really, we have no idea what that sort of trauma will do to us! That is what keeps me watching. Which character traits end up panning out on the show? Which are weaknesses? I have also played the video game, which really expounds on that idea. When pressed, what would we do? The game changes based on your reactions and your decisions. I once clicked the wrong thing and there was no going back. I had a moment of devastation, as it wasn't something I would have done, but then I thought, life is like that. Many times we make choices that we look back on and think 'why did I do that? That's so unlike me'.<br />
I think that ultimately the show finds success not because of zombies but because it wrestles with the fear of an unimaginable situation and the suspense of life-or-death decisions. That is why the show is popular and that is what I always tell skeptics who haven't ventured to watch it.<br />
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Before bed, Xana and I watched Once Upon a Time together, which she loves and I find a bit cheesy, but I keep watching because of Killian Jones, aka Captain Hook. You know me. Always a sucker for a dark, handsome, underdog hero. <br />
We then read three chapters of the Wizard of Oz together; the original version, which I have not read til now. I have thus far been surprised by the differences in the classic film. Thus far, it turns out, there are more parallels between the original Wizard of Oz book and Gregory Maguire's Wicked book series.<br />
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Well, at this hour I guess I'm up for the day. Woohoo for earlier than expected mornings due to insomnia!<br />
Going to throw some no-knead bread out to go with my slow-cooker lentil soup and get this day started.<br />
Love to all.<br />
<br />
<br />Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-91159184062841946892014-07-07T16:14:00.000-07:002014-07-07T16:25:18.715-07:00Quiet is the Thrush<b id="docs-internal-guid-615f4e15-1316-09ae-8202-cbcd9137ecec" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">beneath the weeping wind.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Aching dull is the sky</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to which the soft elms bend.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that moves in from the seas,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and laden with a chill</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that threatens soon to freeze.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fallow lay the fields</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and broken are the walls,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">open are the gates</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and empty are the halls.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Useless lay the swords</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">upon the cobbled ground,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">for not one man of valor</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">in armor can be found.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Weary are the souls</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that have measured every hour</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">with the lonely grieving toll</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">of the church bell in its tower.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Murdered is our king</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and the few left in his stead,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">those who still remain</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">will surely soon be dead.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Breached were our defenses,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and quickly overtaken.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Broken were the treaties,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">all the oaths forsaken.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Quickly will we fall</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and all will be forgotten,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">crosses in the churchyard</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">under thick grasses sodden.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Blazoned is the victor.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our destruction is his glory.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bold heroism remembered,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">as time will weave its story</span></div>
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<br />Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-74473899438532689462012-09-19T06:46:00.001-07:002012-09-19T06:47:12.371-07:00Reading (Writing) Rainbow (a 15 min. writing challenge)<br />
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Haven't written or blogged in awhile, I needed a warm-up so I gave myself a 15 min. writing challenge.<br />
Write for 15 min. Try to ignore your mistakes or over-analyze and just keep going.<br />
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After I finished I was reminded of Reading Rainbow. Can't tell you how inspired I was by this as a kid! I remember being glued to that show and riveted by the idea that I can be ANYTHING - in a book.</div>
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Born writer. I can’t help it. It just flows from me. </div>
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It goes on and on whether or not there is a type pad or
keyboard or pencil to listen, it is born indefinitely in the folds of my mind,
perpetual creation. <br />
It is not the sound or pentameter, not the measurement, rhythm or balance of
words, it is their physicality and meaning.
A constant description of feeling, thoughts, plans, intentions.</div>
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Words keep me up. Sometimes words I mean to write, sometimes words that just
stream by in a trickle. Thoughts outlined and tamed, as if made physical
through the vision of the letters that make them up. </div>
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Sometimes they move me to create, sometimes they undermine
me. </div>
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I say born writer, and I mean it. Surely from the moment I could express myself on paper I took to
it as a fish to water, as a human to the earth. A world unfolded before me and
all that passed through my mind could be recorded, shared, remembered. </div>
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Drawing never could do it or music despite my adoration for
it. Nothing ever expressed what was in me, but words - words quickly became my
preferred medium. </div>
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I do not claim to be a master, nor do I aspire to be one. </div>
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I merely do what I must do. I must write.</div>
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Words are my way of wooing my dreams, my careful and gentle
descriptions tempt them, and they unfurl before me with eagerness. </div>
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I have read other writer’s blogs and taken note of the
pressure they feel. <br />
To write something others will want to read, to market themselves. <br />
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As for me, I have a hard time relating. I mean, sure, I can understand the pressure
of critics, the desire to make an impression on readers, to write something
that the world might call truly great.<br />
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But I write for me. I write because it gives breath to my dreams. I write that
I might draw the physical from the illusionary. That I might one day recall all
that has been created in my mind by reading. I write so that the story will be
told. <br />
That there will be a record of Ronan MacDhughaill’s existence, be it only in my
mind. And that Ferran might make his way to Katya and not remain an echo on a
scant set of neurons in my brain. That Sulimea can find life, after all he has
come so far, from another planet in my mind.<br />
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I hope that one day readers will enjoy my larger works, but
I am not bound by whether or not they will find them entertaining.</div>
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They are, after all, my dreams, worlds of my own
creation. I wrote them not for
entertainment’s sake, but that I might capture them as one would capture
fireflies. </div>
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I am intrigued by them again and again, and that is why they
were captured in the first place. </div>
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Everything else is irrelevant. </div>
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As a child, I spent a lot of time alone. Have no pity, I
enjoyed every second of it. I preferred solitude to company, and still do,
because of the treasure trove of imagination in me. I could be anyone doing
anything at any time, anywhere, and with the power of writing, I could visit
that place again and again and pick up right where I left off. <br />
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I do not aspire to change the world with my stories. There
are thousands of wonderful storytellers out there.<br />
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What I do want to do is encourage everyone to write, or find some means of
expressing yourself. You never know what you might discover about
yourself. You may find entire worlds
within yourself that you never knew existed, and putting them into words can
make them real and accessible to everyone that desires to seek them.</div>
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Share yourself. <br />
Write. </div>
Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-59392438461759415022012-08-16T13:57:00.001-07:002012-08-16T13:57:27.459-07:00Lessons from A Dog <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK209YCB3Vsx3r5xSH6GjRuu87o6uyq_8uM6VbsNCyB5TvD3ufaTip9AYNVeeNldkMZKQtNa5pS46ovtDFBd0uDdu0OQTn72kQEVvB8BQLz33FpbhBnfeUmCQbr_J0UU6fFwswjPIRlAA/s1600/Barkley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK209YCB3Vsx3r5xSH6GjRuu87o6uyq_8uM6VbsNCyB5TvD3ufaTip9AYNVeeNldkMZKQtNa5pS46ovtDFBd0uDdu0OQTn72kQEVvB8BQLz33FpbhBnfeUmCQbr_J0UU6fFwswjPIRlAA/s320/Barkley.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In January our sweet Barkley died. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought a lot about him today on a walk with <st1:city w:st="on">Denver</st1:city>, his nervous
successor. <br />
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Interesting that Barkley arrived in our lives, unplanned and unintended (as
most great things do) at a time when we had no sense of direction and no
confidence in ourselves. What we lacked he was full of. He was meant for us, in every way. He was chosen. Whoever abandoned him and dumped him in a
field with a bag of dog food could not know that he was meant for us. That was Barkley’s own journey, his own bit
of life we’ll never know about, but when he came to us, it was with providence.
Despite whatever he may have faced before us, he came bounding with confidence
in US. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whatever question we had in ourselves, whatever doubts,
Barkley had none. He led us to find in ourselves what we could not, because no
matter what demons we had, there he would be, still confident. When we were nervous about the choices we
made with the children, when we were unsure that we could ever feel our way
through a real marriage, when we didn’t know even how we would pay bills the
next week, he was there. Cool. Confident. “You got this.” He seemed to say. Reassuring gazes. Following happily with a
toss of the tail. Bursting with excitement about whatever was around the
bend. Unflinching. Wholly receptive to what life had for him,
for us as a pack. </span></div>
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When he died he left a tremendous void. A vacuum. Our faithful friend and
confident mascot was gone. However, even
in his death it seemed he was reassuring us because he left us at a very
hopeless point. We were at a terrible place in our marriage. We had returned
again to the lack of confidence, the lack of hope, and in his death we were
humbled. The only lesson his existence had left to teach us required the loss
of him. We were reminded of the brevity
of life. Reminded that our opportunities to show and give love to each other,
at least in this space, are numbered. Ultimately, his loss just might have
saved our marriage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few months later we acquired <st1:place w:st="on">Denver</st1:place>. I have now realized that she was the fulfillment
of the lessons he gave us. Her arrival
required that the student become the teacher.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She is afraid of everything.
When the air conditioner kicks on she jerks. Noises scare her. Trash cans scare her. The garage scares her. The sound of the
security lock scares her. Dogs scare her. Cars scare her the most, their sound,
their doors, riding in them. The cat even scared her at first. (Though, he can be intimidating.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I realize now that all the tools we have to use to help her
came from Barkley. The things we must draw
on to reassure her, all the things that we are trying to instill in her are all
traces of Barkley. Through us he is her
teacher, as he was ours. Barkley had a way about him. He could reassure other dogs with his nature. Calm.
Peaceful. Positive. He could soothe a nervous dog and a nervous person
and all the time I am working with her I feel those lessons he gave us working. Its as if he is here with us, having to teach
her all the things that he came to us already knowing. All the traits God gave
him so that he could bless us are in turn blessing her and ultimately blessing
us all the more because now we must learn again through teaching her all those things. Through it all we are reminded of who we once
were, of all the confidence we lacked, of all the fears we had and all the
things we used to let bring us down.
Moving back to <st1:state w:st="on">Texas</st1:state>
has moved us to question all of it, and Barkley leaving us has been the final
shove, leaving us to see if we can sail on our own with confidence in who we are, and who
we once set out to be. That we can still
be all those things, and not let fear or questions seep in. To hold to the confidence and hope, and to be like Barkley. Tossing our tail in excitement for whatever may come and not
retreating in fear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like <st1:city w:st="on">Denver</st1:city>.
She comes to us full of fear. She comes to us afraid of what might happen next.
Afraid of what life holds for her. With those things, though, come a heart of
solid gold and an ocean of love for us.
She never knew him, but Barkley has given her so much through us, and I
am in awe of the lessons within us that these animals continue to bring to us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dogs blessed by a family, a family blessed by dogs.</span></div>
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Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-34583582566165641882012-06-23T10:26:00.002-07:002012-06-23T10:31:11.650-07:00Second-hand Memories<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Recently I had been looking at pictures of my grandfather, Roy Kemper, many taken in the few years preceding his death. He died in his fifties when I was only about three, and I have a faint memory of him holding me on the sidewalk outside of his home and me touching his beard. It was sunny out and my mother was parked on the street. It is odd to have such a snapshot in my mind, as if I knew that would be the only memory I would have, though small and seemingly insignificant, I kept it as a treasure in my heart. 'Remember this man' my mind had told me.<br />
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He fathered six children, and lately I have had my nieces and nephew visiting, which makes five kids in my household, all his grandchildren. My mother told me that he would take time outs and go to a quiet room to escape the noise, for the sake of peace in his mind. I completely relate to that and lately have been, during mid-afternoon, retiring to my room for a time just to gather my thoughts and have a moment of relative quiet. I have thought on him and wondered what he might have thought about. I did not know him well, and the only things I know of him are second hand. I have seen pictures and have read words written in his own neat handwriting. Rare that he was a doctor with neat handwriting.<br />
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So thought provoking it is to wonder about the life of another who came before you. I wonder how others will recount memories of me to others who will come after me. I wonder what they will gather from clues left behind. In this modern world I am able to record a lot more of my own thoughts, and I think on how useful that is, and how I wish that others before me had left as many clues to what thoughts they had and the insights they had on life. Not that I would agree with them, but that their memory would be more than a name, and I could feel as though I knew them in some way.<br />
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Words are powerful things, left behind to speak for us when we are not there to speak for ourselves. There is no changing them or amending them after we are gone. A reminder to use them wisely.<br />
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For the family that may read this, if you have any dusty memories of him that you think I might not know, please share them with me. He is a puzzle in my mind I have long been piecing together, among others.<br />
<br />Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-80346296483132276082012-04-19T00:57:00.000-07:002012-04-19T01:04:02.579-07:00You're not friends.<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12px;">"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood-blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-style: italic; text-align: left;">~Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer</span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px;">So very true, this I am learning after 12 years of marriage. It was a help to me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px;">(And of course I love Buffy)</span></span></div>
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Friedrich Nietzsche</div>
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I have always loved my dreams, they are an integral part of me. Since a young child I had vivid and very real dreams that often left me confused as to whether I had made it up or was seeing the future, or past life or something that could not be explained. <br />
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I had a few specific recurring dreams that faded away at one point in my life, though the setting I have often revisited. I've had dreams that flickered like old film before me, dreams that went by like slideshows of moments that I could not tell whether real or not, far too realistic for me to accept as made up. <br />
I've had epic dreams with intricate plots and a vast set of characters that left me almost spinning when I woke up to find myself there in my bed. <br />
They are an escape in our mind, and an amazing example of the creativity and capability of our brain to retain information. Some dreams pull up things I never knew that I knew. For example, the other night I had a very long dream, one of those epic dreams. We had flown to Europe, some colleagues and I - people I don't know, yet their appearance and the personal details I knew about them made them like people I have always known. Isn't it amazing how our brain does that? Or does it? I've often wondered where it comes from. The people in our dreams often - we already know them. Yet, in our waking conscious mind, we can not place them. Who are these people?<br />
Anyway, back to the dream. After getting to see many cities from my childhood, as well as other cities I had never been to, we ended up in some town in Germany where I met Friedrich Nietzsche. I do not recall in my working memory the man's face, or anything about him that I may have learned somehow at some point in my life, but the face of the man was so distinct. I remembered it as if I had actually seen him. When I woke up I Googled him (as I am prone to do) and was so surprised that his photograph matched perfectly and he was German, which I really didn't know. <br />
Which makes me wonder if the other things about him would have been the same. He had a soft way of speaking, very proper and a gentle nature, it seemed. He was well dressed, but seemed a bit socially awkward. <br />
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I have done this so many times, dreamed of people, in particular, in such detail. The stories I write always begin in a dream, and the characters often mainly spring from that same source. When I begin to write about them something magical happens. They visit my dreams again, sometimes often. This is a wonderful thing to me, these dynamic characters I dreamed up returning to me.<br />
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What an amazing vast ocean we have in our minds of possibility! Never ceases to amaze me.<br />
I have so much to say about dreams. Its a subject I'll have to come back to.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-4442362852911142602012-04-04T03:13:00.001-07:002012-04-04T03:13:54.444-07:00Letters to a Girl: Paternal Sexual Abuse<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dear hurting girl,<br />
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When I first contemplated writing to you, I wanted to tell you things will be alright. I wanted to tell you it will be okay. <br />
Don’t get me wrong, those things are indeed true.</div>
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But they are only half-truth. </div>
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Now, your interpretation of ‘alright’ needs to be taken into consideration, but for me – it used to mean that one day I’ll forget all this and I’ll feel just like a normal girl, however that feels. Won’t that be great! I thought to myself. <br />
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What I didn’t know when I was in your shoes is that my idea of ‘alright’ was completely unrealistic. You will never forget all this. There is no forgetting. Once it comes out, it is there and is as real as a piece of furniture.<br />
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Being abused leaves you with a mark. Not one that you or anyone else can really physically see, but it is a mark you know that you have. You can show it to someone, and they may always see that mark when they see you. Chances are, they won’t.<br />
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That mark, it is something you’ve marked yourself with in your mind. Some people who don’t really know you very well might see that mark. They might think of you as the ‘abused’ girl. But they don’t really know you. I want to tell you now to let go of that – there are people who really don’t know you who will never ever ‘get’ you. Let go of that right now – they will never understand you. Eventually in life you will be misunderstood. Life is not about getting everyone to understand you. That thought will make you mad. ‘Mad hatter’ mad, not ‘busted ipod’ mad. Accept this now: You will be misunderstood. This may seem frustrating at times, or maybe even convenient at times, but it is a good thing, at least for me, though it has taken years to see that. I’ll tell you more about the good part, but first I want to tell you about the truth.</div>
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I felt like people expected me to tell you that it would all be okay. Half-truth. You will never ever ever look at yourself the same again.<br />
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The truth is you’ll probably hate yourself for a long time, and you won’t know why. Somewhere inside your brain is trying to fit together pieces of a puzzle and it makes a lot of assumptions, generally all wrong.<br />
Somewhere inside you are blaming yourself. Somewhere inside you might think this happened to you because you are ugly, or messed up, or somehow you asked for it to happen, maybe you will think you even caused it. None of this is true. Your brain can (and will) come up with a hundred reasons why this happened to you, working itself into a logistical frenzy, but know this without a doubt: this can not be reasoned out. Your father is a psychopath child molester. That means you throw out logic and reason. Logic and reasoning will get you nowhere if you are trying to make sense of why this happened. It happened because he is a sicko. Not you. Him. He is a sicko who twisted everything around in your brain to make you believe that you are also a sicko! But you aren’t. </div>
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The truth is you may think that feeling beautiful is bad. You may think that feeling all those feelings about your sexuality is a sign that you are a sicko. This is wrong. Your brain is back to using its logic and reasoning, and as I have told you, when referring to this sick situation, those tools are useless. My best advice to you in moving forward with yourself in this regard is removing the association between the sick sexual abuse that happened to you and the sexual development and feelings that will happen to you. That is a bad association that, though you may not know it now, will wreak more havoc for you than any other thought process. It isn’t at all easy, but when you associate those two things (guilt and sex) you are sliding down a slippery slope that lands you into a pit of self-hatred. You might think you hate yourself now, go down that road and you’ll think today’s self hatred is a walk in the park.</div>
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The truth is you may never be able to look at grown men the same way. You will always be wondering in the back of your mind if they are a sicko. You may take to hating them right off to protect yourself (back to the logistic/reasoning that is useless in this situation) but this is not good. There are good men. This may seem like a jacked up sentence but it is true, in fact it is a terrible understatement. People like us, we don’t know what good men are. That’s like envisioning a stegacorn. Yes. A stegacorn. Stegasaurus and a unicorn have a kid (or is it a foal? Cub? Kitten?). I just made that up.</div>
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It took me many many many long years to learn that there are men capable of a love we could not imagine in our little messed up minds. There are men who would never ever hurt a child, in fact would prefer to inflict physical pain on anyone who tried. There are gentle and loving, fiercely protective men. There are men who will see us in a light we could never see ourselves, who believe in us when we can’t. Who never see that mark that we see on ourselves. Who would lay down their lives to protect us from harm. Sounds like a riding off on your stegacorn into the sunset kind of a fairy tale, but it is true and it takes a long time to find that truth.</div>
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The truth is, you may even try to blame other people around you. Like your mother. You may think it is her fault. This goes back to the logistical reasoning that is completely useless. The truth is that she has been right there in that pool of self hatred with you, though you can’t see each other. Its dark in there.</div>
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The truth is you will always wonder if that sicko really cared for you or not. Somewhere deep down inside your mind is trying to find a father’s love somewhere in this mess.<br />
That is another slippery slope. He is incapable of love. Incapable. The only thing that even can be construed as some twisted form of love is his own obsession with himself and seeking out what sick things make him happy. He’s a sicko. He’s incapable of love. The truth is your father never loved you – he doesn’t know what love is. That sounds terrible, but it is true, and accepting it is the only way to move forward.</div>
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The truth is that part of your childhood was lost. It is gone forever. You will never get it back. Never ever never. It’s a loss you will always feel, though it will be faint,almost invisible at times.</div>
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The truth is you will think you’ve ‘gotten over it’ a thousand times and you will also think that you are just as messed up as you ever were a thousand times. </div>
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The truth is even when you are 32 you will still struggle sometimes and you’ll still see that mark on yourself, sometimes. But – at some point you will realize this truth. Somewhere along the line you stop struggling with the abuse. Somewhere along the line the struggle comes to be with YOUR OWN SELF.<br />
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There is a mountain we all must climb and it is within. See, while other people are going about their lives growing up and seeing where they fit in the world, people like you and me are trying to recover from the terrible things done to us. By the time we come to terms with the abuse, that mountain of self has been getting taller and taller and more precarious. We have farther to climb than other people do. Other people have no idea of the treacherous mountainside that we have. Kilimanjaro has nothing on us. To make matters worse all of our climbing gear is all rusty and trashed. </div>
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There is a silver lining, though. There is a little God-gift. </div>
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The truth is that mountain top, it is beautiful. As you are climbing it, you will be able to see the beauty.</div>
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We have a unique perspective. Now, those other people I talked about, the ones who won’t understand you, it is because they can’t see your mountain. Even people who can’t see the mark on you can’t see that mountain. Sometimes you won’t be able to see it either, but you’ll know it is there, because you have been climbing it! People close to you who love you, they see that mountain. These are the ones who will cheer us on, who will tell us that we are wonderful when we can’t see it. It’s hard climbing mountains. But we see things others can’t. We see the soaring height of happiness, we understand and sympathize with the pit of despair, and we understand others, those with marks and scars, in ways that no one else could. We see both light and darkness that others are blind to. We know and feel the depth of love, and the lack of it. When we get to that mountain top, we are capable of guiding others up their own mountains. We can help others through the pitfalls that we are all too familiar with.<br />
It is a gift. A God-gift. We are made stronger, though for a long long time we will only think ourselves weak.</div>
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Speaking of pitfalls. Once you reach the mountain top, you don’t always stay there. Sometimes you fall down just a little bit and you find yourself having to climb back up. It will happen again and again and again. Life’s like a jumprope. Now, this is true for everyone, but remember, our mountain is taller and steeper. It will be hard for us.</div>
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The truth is, life will go on. And it is totally worth it! Life is full of love, art, music, expression, great people and opportunities beyond our imagination. If we don’t see it, then we are standing in our own way! Life is wonderful, truly, and though we may think ourselves broken, we are not. We are just as capable as anyone of living a wonderful happy life, and a happiness we will never take for granted. </div>
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With Love,<br />
A Marked Mountain Climber </div>Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-37820608807063553572012-03-31T20:12:00.000-07:002012-03-31T20:12:43.780-07:00Karine Polwart<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I discovered Scottish musician Karine Polwart last year thanks to Pandora and immediately downloaded her album. Now she is out with some new stuff. Her lyrics are decadent and it is so easy to escape into the stories she tells so eloquently, and perfectly paired with flawless guitar picking to boot.<br />
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She's up there on my virtual shelf alongside Kate Rusby. Great company!<br />
If you are a Celtic/Folk fan (like me) go check her out. You won't be disappointed.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-8506771354197148772012-03-14T20:35:00.001-07:002012-03-14T20:39:47.873-07:00Health Wednesdays: Macro GreensStill learning to blog regularly here. I am thinking if I can come up with a general plan for certain days I will be more likely to post something useful. Also, as a chronic mental drifter - a little order is quite helpful.<br />
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So, my new theme for Wednesdays is health.<br />
I will share with you what's going on with my own health journey, what has been helpful, my thoughts on nutrition. My story in a few sentences (some day I'll dive into it a bit more). I have suffered over the years from a variety of inflammatory related issues, which has caused pain in my legs and hips, my reproductive organs, and caused me to have migraines as well. I have found that food and stress are major contributors to this and have had several years of trying to figure out the body I've been given. I've read book after book and I feel like they all add up to the same things! I usually sum it up to people who are just beginning their journey into health through nutrition by telling them to read Michael Pollan's Food Rules. <a href="http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/30952060.aspx" target="_blank">Here is the basic list</a>, but to learn more I would advise picking up his book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Food-Rules-Eaters-Michael-Pollan/dp/014311638X" target="_blank">(here)</a>. It's cheap and east to read.*<br />
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I'll also be giving a product review of what I've been trying lately, since I get a bit of a special glance into upcoming natural food products. <br />
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I have been working through some issues in my body. I am so fortunate that my body is so communicative with me. That's a nice way of saying that my symptoms often send me into a fury of self-diagnosis, which generally leads me down the same path of healing through food, or fasting.<br />
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Nutritionally, we are eating vegetarian around here. With the issues I have been working on with my body, I am mostly vegan. I have been doing some fasting though, which seems to be absolutely miraculous. More on that another time.<br />
I am about to begin some experimentation with beets and beet juice after completing the water fast I am working through. I'll update you on how that goes.<br />
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The product that I want to rave about this week is <a href="http://www.macrolifenaturals.com/home.htm" target="_blank">Macro Greens from Macro Life Naturals</a> I have been using it for over a year now.<br />
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I went out seeking this product after reading the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-pH-Miracle-Balance-Reclaim/dp/0446556181/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331780854&sr=1-1" target="_blank">The Ph Miracle</a>. Also a good read that I recommend.*<br />
This product is everything it says it is. It is full of goodness and it all comes from a good source. The flavor is a world away from other powdered green products. I scoop it into my smoothies in the morning, or sometimes into apple cider, when the cider is in plentiful (and cheaper) in the stores.<br />
Also, other green powders my kids WILL notice in their smoothies. Not so for Macro Greens, unless of course I put a whole bunch.<br />
You aren't just getting greens, though, and that is why I chose this product in the first place. The great flavor was just an added bonus. You have your spirulina and chlorella of course, but you are also getting non-dairy probiotic cultures, five different types. It is also packed with antioxidants, including milk thistle and ginkgo. Add to that eleven adaptogenic and metabolic herbs, including eleuthero and astragulus.<br />
Macro greens goes above and beyond, though, when they throw in the natural plant enzymes protease, cellulase, amylase and lipase. These enzymes help assist our body in digestion. Enzymes are lacking in much of our food, as they are killed through cooking and processing, and yet they are vital to our absorption process. <br />
Added sugar? No. Why muck it up? Its a great supplement from whole foods in a base of certified organic barley grass, the least allergenic of all grasses.<br />
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To sum it up, this product provides the max nutrition with minimal upset to our system. In other words, its made to speak softly and carry a big stick.<br />
They are carrying more products now which I have not yet tried. I hope to try them out soon.<br />
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Until next week, take care of yourself.<br />
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* No one book is ever going to give you all the answers. In my experience, each great book offers you a handful of tools. Some of the tools are all the same, some slightly different, but not all of us need the same tools. Read a few good books and you'll see recurring themes. Eat well. Take care of yourself. Be calm. The approach may be slightly different, but there are strings drawing them together and the goal is always the same. Better health.<3<br />
.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-37091301281322559842012-03-12T06:31:00.000-07:002012-03-12T06:31:34.558-07:00I do not generally squeal.Unless:<br />
It is 7am, I am naked in the shower desperately trying to kill a giant (flying)<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_cockroach" target="_blank"> American Cockroach</a> with my shoe.<br />
<br />
Forget the chupacabra. One of these so-called 'water bugs' can send me into a frenzy, and I like bugs, as a rule. I will rescue them and set them outside. But not these.<br />
<br />
They are fast. And did I mention they can fly??<br />
All the more offensive when you are naked and vulnerable. <br />
<br />
And they are huge. And they don't die when you squish them.<br />
And when you do squish them they make a terribly crunching sound and are messy.<br />
<br />
Apparently they can climb up through pipes and in spaces around toilets. I am making it a mission to find the entry points for these suckers and eliminate them as much as possible. My mornings just can't start this way.<br />
<br />
Now that you need a shower, be careful to glance around before you step in there naked.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-33574441515632168782012-03-10T16:50:00.000-08:002012-03-10T16:50:56.997-08:00Spring BreakThis spring break I have taken the break part seriously.<br />
I am focusing on reducing stress in my life. I do a lot of things without forethought, just spontaneously, which wreck my schedule and causes my day to spin out of control. Before you know it I've accomplished less than a quarter of what needs doing, then I'm pinning it onto the next day which is always burdened.<br />
I also put a lot of planning into events at times, thus setting myself up with a lot of expectations that go unmet, or else the event planning causes me to slowly coil up into a curly-cue with my stress and I am left with a migraine and just wanting to go home and chill. <br />
<br />
On a conscious level I am breaking off from habits or behaviors that ultimately do not contribute to my quality of life. There are things that eat away at my intentions, that swallow up my time and leave me far too stressed.<br />
Facebook is one. Of course I like Facebook and appreciate the ability it gives me to keep up with people. However, it eats away at my time. I really do not have an extra half hour in the day to devote to a scad of status updates. Then, scanning through, you aren't just getting the things you really want to read. You're getting what interests other people. Some you may agree with. Some you may not. Some you wish you didn't read. Some leave you frustrated.<br />
Either way, Facebook is a time thief. I figure those who want to keep up with me will do just that, and Facebook isn't required.<br />
<br />
I am also looking at the things I have let slip out of my life temporarily. Things that contributed to my wholeness. Cooking. Gardening. Reading. These are all things that I would have more time for if I weren't so busy otherwise.<br />
<br />
I am cutting our activities down to just a couple of times a week and focusing more on our home, which has, with all this stress and business, been somewhat neglected.<br />
<br />
So I am centering myself. Doing spring cleaning within myself and within my life. <br />
Thus far, it has been quite relieving and productive. Invoking the peace in my life has been healing in so many ways.<br />
<br />
Here's to spring break! Hope you are enjoying yours.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-79413377226059945882012-02-29T21:49:00.000-08:002012-02-29T21:49:18.436-08:00PipReading makes time on the treadmill or stationary bike less of a bore and so - that is what I do. Over the past year or so I have been rediscovering classic books that I have not read since high school or college. Lately it has been Great Expectations (Dickens).<br />
<br />
I was caught by a portion of Pip's narrative. After being spurned by Estella he is brought to tears, and this is his recollection of the nature he had adopted in his childhood. <br />
<br />
<i>"My sister's bringing up had made me sensitive. In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, I am convinced there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt as injustice. It may be only a small injustice that the child can be exposed to; but the child is small, and its world is small, and its rocking-horse stands as many hands high, according to scale as a big-boned Irish hunter. Within myself I had sustained from my babyhood a perpetual conflict with injustice. I had known from the time when I could speak that my sister, in her capricious and violent coercion, was unjust to me. I had cherished a profound conviction that her bringing me up by hand gave her no right to bring me up by jerks. Through all my punishments, disgraces, fasts, and vigils, and other penitential performances, I had nursed this assurance; and to my communing so much with it, in a solitary and unprotected way, I, in great part, refer the fact that I was morally timid and very sensitive."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
I had to read this a few times, as it was so familiar, what he is describing. Somewhat of a roadmap, I am sure, of my own childhood nature. I recall my mother saying I was very sensitive, and my brother, of course. I suppose it is no wonder, then. As Dickens infers, children are highly sensitive to injustice, and when one's childhood is full of it, there is no doubt that the outcome is an adult that is also highly sensitive.<br />
<br />
Some of us are more sensitive than others, and are made to feel things much more deeply than others. That is easy to see in our house, where one sister is quiet, gentle and sensitive while the other is boisterous, self-assertive and persistent. No doubt my sensitive child will feel injustice. Hopefully, my boisterous child will learn to be aware of it as well. <br />
<br />
No doubt, Dickens was a sensitive child, and as an adult he was very aware of injustices in the society he was part of. No doubt that writers are often sensitive people as well, I know all of my favorites are. Perhaps it is a gift.<br />
I'll have to come back to that. : )<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA-azkin49yXqB3KqaAvqIxD2KZJrK-0KLTpDtUSiAWLslrF7pgl0agSccM7bXht6zCGxLWqomA6d4zfa3r7V3lSF1U1jjnZPynN2KT_8jyLkXZ9H0mhVwlAeXPipMMYVZm0wmOPk-hzk/s1600/7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="254" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA-azkin49yXqB3KqaAvqIxD2KZJrK-0KLTpDtUSiAWLslrF7pgl0agSccM7bXht6zCGxLWqomA6d4zfa3r7V3lSF1U1jjnZPynN2KT_8jyLkXZ9H0mhVwlAeXPipMMYVZm0wmOPk-hzk/s320/7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Good night, all.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-9896727514355680952011-09-05T04:08:00.000-07:002011-09-05T04:08:35.938-07:00Sturdy: Examining my yearning for property.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY1nTlocRWMsV4-CK6BCRoqYfKZJqAb0iAGTBadtQZQks-tT_POO08y_-HnKvAn2JPLDosN3JmjYQ1Ahc07HCo42SxNbd_v3eno9VhQ-cEiHuAjLNUqyXJ1mWB5BZoDFAnNkVdBMcHdyg/s1600/cat_7923_cd286_american_frontier_205.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY1nTlocRWMsV4-CK6BCRoqYfKZJqAb0iAGTBadtQZQks-tT_POO08y_-HnKvAn2JPLDosN3JmjYQ1Ahc07HCo42SxNbd_v3eno9VhQ-cEiHuAjLNUqyXJ1mWB5BZoDFAnNkVdBMcHdyg/s320/cat_7923_cd286_american_frontier_205.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p><span> </span>My favorite spoon is a bit heavier in the hand than the others.<span> </span>Its sturdiness is what I am attracted to.<span> </span>I feel as though I could stir anything with it, even as I use it to delicately coax the leaves to move about in my teabag.<span> </span>It is more dependable than the others and I am delighted when I reach into the drawer for a spoon and it happens to be that particular one – that simple Oneida Baguette.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>I’ve often referred to myself as sturdy and wonder if, perhaps, my affection for such a simple and solid spoon is a reflection of my own perception of self.<span> </span>I’m no large woman, by any means, but I’ve felt an association with big bones and my body density certainly isn’t average.<span> </span>I’m more solid as one might think, and it is clear when you look upon my offspring that we are a sturdy lot, theirs even more pronounced due to the sturdiness also contributed by their father.<span> </span>He is stronger than most men of his size and he is not a small man.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>Submersed in conversation with a homeschooling acquaintance the other day, we came across the subject of housing. Not unusual for me, with my sordid accounts of dishonest landlords and my wearisome pining for a home to call our own.<span> </span>She was German, this acquaintance, to which I much admired, having grown up there as a kid and feeling a bit as one must feel towards a kind foster family. It was a heath upon which part of my childhood was wrought and I, for a time, called it home and loved it as if it were truly mine.<span> </span>Living in <st1:place w:st="on">Europe</st1:place> this woman was accustomed to living in flats and found apartment living to be very comfortable and customary for her.<span> </span>Having admired condos in LoDo, an upscale trendy part of downtown <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Denver</st1:place></st1:city>, I agreed that apartment living must surely have its perks.<span> </span>Living in an urban area, from my opinion, was surely one of its highlights, along with the freedom to up and leave at the end of your lease if the north wind took you somewhere riveting like <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Vancouver</st1:place></st1:city>. In my mind I pictured myself tending a variety of potted plants on my little balcony, a little yellow water pitcher in hand adorned with the usual cliché of daisies.<span> </span>I pictured my children peering over the railing, toes lined up on the little ledge of concrete that we called our own.<span> </span>Our property would end there, though, and of course the rough slab was not ours by any means. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>Surely, this iconic apartment visual seemed tempting, as I currently live in a larger house with its suburban yard covered in grasses doomed to remain three inches tall and loose hedges that never look quite right, despite my attempts at grooming them.<span> </span>I ponder on it, in square agreement with her.<span> </span>From her standpoint, she could not completely understand the drive for one to own their home.<span> </span>Intuitive as I am, I could glance from her direction and understand what she had meant, I saw her thought processes and, for a moment, they were mine. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>But later, as I stand in my kitchen holding my favorite spoon, my thoughts drift towards that conversation and my mind begins to wholly examine it.<span> </span>How did this separation of belief form? She is from Europe and embraces apartment living, while I am from the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">United States</st1:country-region></st1:place> and pine for a home that we can call ‘ours’.<span> </span>Then it occurs to me and in my mind I review the past two hundred and fifty years of my ancestry, when this distinction branched away.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>A couple of hundred years ago many pivotal events began to shape my ‘sturdiness’.<span> </span>My Swedish ancestors left that town where their lineage had been recorded for over a thousand years.<span> </span>They took their skills, boarded a ship and set off towards an uncertain future.<span> </span>It wasn’t religion that forced them to rally their courage and pack their things, it was opportunity.<span> </span>There was a <i>new</i> world and it lay ahead of them, full of promise and a future worth the loss of everything, putting all of their hopes on the timber and canvas that would take them across the sea to a land they had only heard spoken of.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>My German ancestors disembarked onto American soil already in debt.<span> </span>They were indentured servants and they would pay ten years labor for the chance they had been given to make a life for themselves here in this <st1:place w:st="on">New World</st1:place>.<span> </span>Scarcely would they complete their years of service before taking up arms and joining in a revolution to fight for this land that that had become their home.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>My Scottish ancestors, those who had survived the Jacobite rebellion and the subsequent thrashings, fled their country in search of a land where they would be free to use their family names without retribution and where they could <i>own land</i>.<span> </span>These Scots were not soldiers or urbanites. They would be free to be farmers, not crofters as they had always been, toiling on a land that was never really theirs.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>A hundred years later my Irish ancestors left a barren landscape where families were starving to death.<span> </span>There was nothing to eat and no way to make money. They were destitute and desperate, and they were not coming to a land that was a blank slate, they were coming to a land that in many places was not welcoming.<span> </span>The poor, hungry Irish came in droves and were turned away only to grow more hungry and poor, at least those that lacked certain – sturdiness.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>These people and their offspring spread across a still-forming map like wildfire.<span> </span>They set off into territories teeming with opportunity and danger.<span> </span>They sought land, along the way stopping where they could to try their hand, many staying and others continuing on, out to the west, to pioneer their way to a scrap of wide open prairie.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>They invested in railroads, sold everything they had and gathered themselves up in covered wagons with crude maps, beat down the earth in runs for land and tore through the hills in search of gold. They plowed dirt never before farmed and they wrought homes from what the earth gave.<span> </span>Women bore children in lone cabins to the sound of Indian drums, men scoured the countryside carving out fertile hunting grounds.<span> </span>They had to be sturdy.<span> </span>Those who weren’t able to make their living on the Frontier turned around and headed back to New England cities, finding their own niche there somewhere in the building of American industry and business.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>I come from sturdy stock.<span> </span>Every familial line that has led up to me were survivors, those who pressed the ragged edges of the map in search of land, of opportunity, of a rich life where their children could roam across ground that they called their own.<span> </span><br />
<span> </span>I dip my favorite spoon into the honey that my husband harvested from our beehive in our little suburban backyard and watch its gold gleam sink into my tea.<span> </span>I understand, now, that I can’t fight it.<span> </span>When you combine all of the ancestral trails that have led to this moment, me and my favorite spoon, there are thousands of years of hardheadedness and willpower.<span> </span>A hunger for something tangible, the dirt at your feet, solid earth to harness, to provide for you.<span> </span>This is why part of the so-called American dream includes owning a house.<span> </span>It is in our very blood.<span> </span></div>Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-14618201909625570682011-08-23T10:25:00.000-07:002011-08-23T10:25:13.583-07:00Our Fall 2011 Homeschool Session BeginsOut with the lazy daze of summer and in with the organized determination of fall.<br />
<br />
We rose early this morning to the first official day of classes in our house.<br />
<br />
Here are our learning activities for today:<br />
<br />
Math from the <a href="http://www.cimt.plymouth.ac.uk/">Center for Innovative Math Teachings</a>. We love this program. Just reviewing last year a bit for now to sharpen their mental math skills.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.havefunteaching.com/worksheets/language/spelling/spelling-soup-primary.pdf">Spelling Soup</a>. The word for the day is Chemistry.<br />
<br />
Assigned Reading: Alecia is plowing through The Borrowers and Zana is reading through The Best Book of Nature Stories, a Doubleday book from 1957.<br />
<br />
To encourage having fun with math (a struggle in this household) we have been using the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/parents/cyberchase/lessons/lessons.html">Cyberchase lesson plans</a> along with a Cyberchase Episode. Today is Monkey Map.<br />
<br />
We rotate our Science and History. Today is Science day. This session we are doing Intro to Chemistry, so to get us started we are watching <a href="http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/chemistry-volatile-history/">Chemistry: A Volatile History</a><br />
<br />
I'll be updating eventually to post a review to our Chemistry documentary. <br />
We're looking forward to a fresh new year!<br />
<br />
<br />
Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-82268808159707367702011-08-15T22:52:00.001-07:002011-08-15T22:52:24.814-07:00Chapter 10<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">A clip from Brundelwain. </div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Chapter 10, <em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;">Gaelochaven</em>.</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">© 2011, Eleanor Raif</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre;"> </span>When the chicken had met its end and lay neatly plucked on the counter and the other foul were seen to, Aldyn carefully washed his hands and motioned for Alana to follow him. He picked up a glowing stick from the fireplace and they left the warmth of the dining area and entered the cold and unused sitting room again where Colin and Marcas were stacking up more firewood. Aldyn picked up a few small pieces of kindling and Alana followed his broad shoulders through the door that led into the north wing of the house.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> It was cold and dark until he lit a candle on a table in the corner. He set to work lighting the fire in the hearth, the smoke coiling up into the chimney that howled with the winter wind.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> Alana looked around at the home he had shared with his wife. She had wondered if it had remained completely unchanged. A few pots sat on a shelf, one held dried heather flowers long left to the spiders, one a collection of pussy willow branches in a similar state. A little wooden box was displayed on a corner shelf next to a silver coil of metal which appeared to be a bracelet of sorts. There was evidence of a woman and it must have been Marion.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “I’m sorry about the dust and cobwebs.” Aldyn muttered as he bent over the hearth. “Hopefully it will be suitable enough for you.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “’Tis fine.” Alana answered softly. “Ye aren’t here too often to care for it.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Aye, well. That’s not the problem, I suppose. Blaire, she…she has offered to clean it up for me but I…I haven’t wanted her to for so long. Things are…things are just as they were left.” Aldyn was different now, something happened to him, stepping into this place so full of ghosts.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> Alana lit another candle she found and pushed open the door into the bedroom casting a glance back at him. He looked up at her, then nodded, giving her permission to tread there.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> She stepped into the large bedroom and gazed in wonder at the intricate wooden bed before her. At the head and foot were two beautiful swans, necks bowed gracefully to each other, wings raised as if they were taking flight. She had never seen a more beautiful piece of furniture. She ran her fingers down the neck of the one nearest her and felt the smoothness of it, it was impeccably well made. The linens were clean it seemed, and the bed had been slept in recently. It must have been where he slept when he visited. She turned to find a large wardrobe beautifully made as well. She opened the door and the scent of mint twigs and lavender poured out of it. Marion’s clothes were still there, neatly placed. She closed the door gently, with reverence, and set the candle down on the hearth.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Aldyn?”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “What is it?” he asked, still arguing with the fireplace.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Did ye want to light this fire too?”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “We’ll see if I can get this one going strong. May not need the both of them.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> She peeked out of the shutters and saw that the snow had begun to blow. The trees bent to the wind and flecks of white were dancing about wildly. She shut them again, shivering.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> She returned to Aldyn and knelt next to him. He glanced back at her and she giggled.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “What?” he smiled.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Ye’ve got a smudge on your nose.” She smiled.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Oh,” he replied, rubbing it. “Is it there now?”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Aye, it is.” She smiled, then reached out a finger and rubbed it herself. “There now, that’s better anyway.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> He sat back and drew his knees up. “I think I’ve got it started.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Looks that way.” She gazed into the fire that crackled before them, eating up all of the kindling and showering the logs beneath with burning embers.</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Thank ye for coming in here with me. I have a hard time facing this place alone. I thought if ye came I’d feel less…haunted.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> She took his hand. “Of course, Aldyn. Perhaps I could help ye tidy it?”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Perhaps.” He answered her quietly. </em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “The furnishings are beautiful. Wherever did ye get them?”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “I bought them from a Norwegian nobleman. I had seen a bed like it on my travels and I had hoped that I would find another. Sure enough, the week before we were to be wed I met this man who was selling some things. He had brought it here for his wife, she was a Scot. She did’na much like it. I also bought the wardrobe from him. They were a surprise for Marion on our wedding day. She loved them.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “I can see why. They are magnificent. Ye were good to her.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> He nodded. “Aye.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “She was fortunate, Aldyn, to have you. Her life was short, and to…to be loved by someone like you, ye must have made her life something wonderful.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “I suppose I have never thought of it that way.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> “Think how many people have lived and died without knowing a love like that.”</em></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"> Aldyn’s eyes met hers again. “And some of us may even be lucky enough to know it twice in a lifetime.”</em></div><div><em style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;"><br />
</em></div>Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-50408846867617818392011-08-14T20:26:00.000-07:002011-08-15T22:32:01.288-07:00Brundelwain Editing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>I have had so much fun editing my book lately. My mind has been changed about it, at least the way I feel about sharing it. It was so personal before, and it still is, but now I guess the change has been within. Being okay with those things that are personal to me, and sharing them. Unafraid of judgement because I know that it will still be mine and personal afterward. I began writing this book when I was still in my twenties, I guess it has been nearly four years ago. It has been on and off the shelf for me. I've put it away at times. Changed it. Destroyed pieces of it. Reassembled it. Now I am just ready to move on and look forward to writing more stories. I've more stories than this one in me, this one is just very special to me. I am sure every author feels that way about their first big piece, and I am no different.<br />
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I am working with Authonomy.com right now. It has been a big help to me to have others read my work and review it. Authors and history buffs, readers and critics. All reviews have been pretty good, though I would like to see more as the story progresses.<br />
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Its my next book that has pushed me to get this one out there. I think after a run on authonomy for awhile I will move on with self-publishing. It is so easy to get your stuff out there nowadays, in the world of one click publishing. I am inspired by others while at the same time, I really just want to write. Sharing that story with others is just an added bonus. Unlike my other forms of expression, this is one I feel that I truly ought to share. My art has been a tool for recovery, my music a tool for self-soothing. Writing - it has been a tool for expression. There have been times in my life that it was a release, that it was merely meant to put feelings into a collection of words. Now, it is to unravel a story that took its shape in my mind, with characters that came from some hidden place within. <br />
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I have just uploaded Chapter 9: <i>Wolf's Teeth. </i><br />
In Ch.9, Alana recovers from her sudden illness. She finds things greatly changed between herself and the commander. She also struggles with the deep fears she has over the Lord of Breadalbane, to whom she is to marry in a few months time. Dark tales are told by one of Duncan's minstrels, tales of the night, tales of wolf's teeth.<br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Excerpt from Brundelwain, Chapter 9. Liam tells a winter's tale.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFFNkSQuDlBD00bQedI0DcounRtxhEf_robQop4nFR024przvnibqkW5zaT1n73wTIZSY8tmxaK018tHnqsjGfXiKyBtBx5ZugV1_G9bXdtpQ5qb7PKE_uSMn3JoltluLe49e2gjre5c8/s1600/101207bonfire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFFNkSQuDlBD00bQedI0DcounRtxhEf_robQop4nFR024przvnibqkW5zaT1n73wTIZSY8tmxaK018tHnqsjGfXiKyBtBx5ZugV1_G9bXdtpQ5qb7PKE_uSMn3JoltluLe49e2gjre5c8/s200/101207bonfire.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
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</tbody></table><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><i>"As I said, it was up north and it was a chilling wind out. I’ll be damned, though, if a woman had not wandered up to our camp…and I swear to ye, she was stark naked. She hadn’t seemed to care, either. Donald and I kept offerin’ to give her our cloaks but she refused, only stared at us with these wild eyes and kept askin’ for somethin’ to drink. Well, I put a kettle to the fire, tryin’ not to stare at her, with her breasts all bare and…sorry, lass…” he looked to Alana, who smiled back, “well anyway, it was a might bit distractin’ for a man. So, I gave her the last bit o’ the spirits we had, wonderin’ what we would do with a drunken naked lass on our hands, but I swear to ye, she took one sip and she started to changin’! I swear to ye, she turned into a wolf right in front o' my eyes."</i></span><br />
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<i><br />
</i>Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-73876776657197320252011-07-28T04:35:00.000-07:002011-07-28T04:35:55.394-07:00Mellow MorningIt's hot. I watered the flowerbed outside and every bug in the area showed up there with their night noise to get some moisture, and so here I am awake. David left for work and all is quiet.<br />
The perfect time of day to write.<br />
I've been working on this science-fiction/spirituality piece lately. I don't know what it is, yet. By that I mean, I don't know if it will be a novel or an elongated short story. <br />
Some pieces easily work themselves into a novel because the story flows from you with such force, as if it has been waiting so long to be told and it can not wait another minute, like a confession of truth. Some stories are merely elaborated ideas and are able to wrap themselves up within the span of a few solid chapters, and are given their due in such a frame. Some of my favorite stories are short stories, and they are every bit as powerful as other stories whose pages number in the thousands.<br />
It just takes a while to figure out which you are dealing with. <br />
<br />
As many of them do, this particular story began with a dream, which at first spawned a painting. While creating the painting I was replaying the dream in my head, curious about the characters in it, where they had come from and what they might be after. One of the characters was easily elaborated upon and a few others were created as well. Story writing is such a natural event, it is like the blossoming of a mind, the unfolding petals revealing a mystery.<br />
A first-time for me, this story refers often to an entirely made-up world. Complete fantasy. I'm usually such a cut and dry, stick-to-the-facts kind of girl. It's pretty exciting for me, really, but growing to love this one with the passion with which I loved Brundelwain, the book that ruined my novel virginity, (as Sheryl Crow's 'The First Cut is the Deepest' plays in the background...) I will try to love again, but I know...Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-67713395199544097812011-07-02T20:18:00.000-07:002011-07-02T20:21:35.683-07:00Social DistortionNot the band. Me.<br />
<br />
People often ask me about the 'social interaction' my children get, and if it is sufficient, being homeschooled. Naturally, if I am with my kids, it is clearly a non-issue for us. My kids speak freely, unburdened by shyness or any lack of eloquence. They use complete sentences and have a vast vocabulary. They carry on conversations successfully with a wide range of age groups and are often complemented on their maturity and vocal clarity. Homeschooling clearly does not inhibit social ability, though occasionally a very shy family will give rise to shy children. Whether it is a mimicked or a genetic behavior, I can not say.<br />
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I often wonder why people don't question the social environment of public schools. I myself am still struggling with my poor social skills at age thirty-two, and I was reared in a public school household. I've begun working, recently, and I am spending more time around people nowadays. It becomes quite obvious to me that my social skills are lacking when things like eye contact and vocal etiquette freak me out. I mumble frequently, unintentionally, and I am often at a loss of words. Yet, my vocabulary is complete and I am perfectly capable of communication in written form.<br />
I have a lot of scars from years of a very poor self-esteem, elements of which still linger within me at times. Public school isn't completely to blame, surely, but I often think, why do we assume that children that come out of public school are socially balanced? I think it is a great misconception, a blind assumption. <br />
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I haven't come up with a good response yet when the occasional concerned grocery shopper questions the social consequences of our education path. I usually just smile and say 'it's okay, they get to play with other kids pretty often.' The person smiles as if satiated, then goes on, never considering that maybe, JUST maybe, they might be better off right where they are. Never ceases to amaze me, even after years of homeschooling. <br />
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Just smile and nod. Smile and nod. :)Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3284371241645364730.post-48003794983677631292011-07-02T19:57:00.000-07:002011-07-02T19:57:38.081-07:00Blog DramaI have this new blog. It's really now my ONLY blog, incorporating my writing blog, homeschooling blog and personal musings blog. Because over the past few years they've been scattered and why? What's the point of various blogs?? Well. Homeschooling was to share that aspect of my life, and mainly for family. Writing blog was for my writing persona and the personal blog was, well, personal. Did I mention I have trouble keeping up with things when they are complicated?? If you know me, I probably didn't have to.<br />
Anyway, with my new Google account I kept getting frustrated, trying to 'sign in' to blogger, when I was already signed in to Google. Then there is issues with who has access to my old stuff that I no longer want having access to my life. If you know me, I probably don't have to explain that either. And I won't.<br />
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So, here it is! Fresh, clean, new blog, with links to the old blogs there on the side. R.I.P. old blogs.Eleanor Raifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08930573148462820823noreply@blogger.com0